J O U R N A L #1

[ty eric benson]

JOURNAL ONE

TyEricBenson

EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN

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August 17th, 2008

I'm not going to start with dear journal or anything like that. It's pretty obvious what it is to anyone who looks at it, so that starting would be a little redundant. Not that I plan on ever letting anyone else see what I'm writing here. I mean it's bad enough I felt I had to buy this thing just to have some way to share how I'm feeling about everything. Actually, I'm probably ranting to avoid talking about what's been bothering me. I am going to write the date on the top of each page though for two reasons. First of all so I know when these things happened, and secondly so that if I skip writing in here, I won't get confused about when events happened. So what's really bothering me? Well, it's not really a what so much as a who. Sabina. That girl has no idea how much I actually care about her. Not that I haven't tried showing her whenever I can, but no matter what I do, she always seems a little closed off and distant. It hasn't bothered me too much in the past, because I know that if Sabina didn't want to be dating me, then she definitely wouldn't be. She's that kind of girl and her independent nature is part of what attracts me to her. There's such freedom in it really. Like I said, usually her acting indifferent doesn't really bother me, but lately it's been...well different to say the least. Because she's not just being a little indifferent to me anymore. She's completely ignoring me. It hurts a hell of a lot, which I doubt she's noticed. She barely notices me anymore, even though my feelings for her are still so strong. Maybe I've just been ignoring the fact that Sabina just doesn't care about me anymore because of my feelings for her. Maybe this is her way of saying that it's over. I'm not entirely sure honestly. I really wish I could talk to her, but she won't answer my calls or anything, so how can I? I feel like this is her way of breaking up with me, but I think she could at least have the decency to do it to my face. I think I deserve at least that much from her, even if she never did care about me or us. All I know is that it's going to be very awkward the next time I see her and I'm not sure what I'm going to want to say to her. Keeping my mouth shut at this point seems like the best option, but I just don't know. I miss her and what we used to be like so much, but she'll never know I guess. I can't force her to stay with me after all. I'm just really hurt that it's ending like this. Maybe it'll teach me to try and open up to women and have a relationship. Getting hurt just hurts too much when everything is said and done, so for now I'm going to go back to focusing on school and my future. I don't know when the next time I'll be writing in here is, but hopefully I'll be in a better mood by then.


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