Sabina's Sketchbook

[sabina lynn hentges]

kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain

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Sadly. I had another episode today. So, for the first time in two years I'm actually going to write it down. Despite being told to do so a like year and seven months ago. I can't believe how fucking stupid I was back then.. It's almost incredible how much of a complete idiot I was. They kept telling me to stop talking this way. But how can I when it's nothing but the truth. It was my fault. I got what I deserved for what I had done. It's true, depsite what I was told. It really makes me sick to my stomach. Like I'm dead on my feet and I don't know what I'm still doing here. I really don't even know why I'm still writing this down. All I want is for this to be out of my head, for it to not even be a memory. To have never happened.

Seventeen. I had pretty much everything. Everything that a girl like me wanted. Parents that never noticed anything. A fake ID, I was finally in with all the people I wanted to be friends with. And two boyfriends. Yeah. Two. Amazing Ty Benson and Him. I thought I had everything out of control. I really thought that I did. But I was wrong. So wrong. I was screwing my life up day by day. I kept everything low key with Ty. I didn't love him. He was good to me, but there was nothing there for me. He was only like my brother. But we had a relationship. It didn't last long. But it was there. But he was so much better, at least I had thought so. He knew about the partying, the drugs and the alcohol. He was always there. So that was perfect for me. I wasn't hiding anything like I was from Ty. I didn't feel bad.

I blew off the plans I had with Ty. There was going to be some huge party and people really wanted me to be there. I wasn't going to lose the status I had with my "friends". So I went, but there was no party. Just one drunk guy. I was going to leave. I was so pissed that there was no party. Can you believe that? How stupid was I. He blocked the door and shoved me back. Another shove, a slap. So much more. I couldn't fight back, no matter how hard I wanted to. It hurt so fucking bad. Not long after that did I cut myself off from the rest of the world. It was better that way. Rehab came after that. No more drugs, parties and sneaking into clubs were something of the past and the well dried. I didn't tell anyone where I was. Except for my father. He handled the finances so my mom would never see. As far as anyone was concerned, I was in North Carolina with my uncle. I came back a couple of months ago. I don't know if I want to be here again. Too many memories but it's supposed to be my home.

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[sabina lynn hentges]

all chocked up and you're okay,

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So I'm really bored. And I know what you are thinking (not that you think... you're a journal) wouldn't anyone else be bored this late of night? Yes, normal people. I am not normal. Around this time of night I would be with Vesper, usually watching some lame movie that we never even watch because we talk the whole entire time. But seeing as I'm the world's biggest fuck up to date, I'm home all alone. A Petrus stain on the carpet and an empty box of cigarettes to mock me. My life fucking sucks. And yes I know that is over dramatic, I don't care. This is my journal and I shall write what I please in it. Oh my gosh, I'm talking to a journal.... I'm finally going crazy.. Moving on.

I kind of messed up when I was talking to him, and he proved exactly why I was the way I... well was. Make friends, they only hurt you. I let my guard down, I let him in. Hello, in pain here. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. We sort of went off on each other and.. well, you can probably tell where it went from there. Yeah, south. So south it's partying with the penguins. I'm so lame... I really don't know how I'm going to fix this. Do I even want to? He pretty much but the words in my mouth (lie.) is a complete and utter jerk (lie.) and a complete waste of my time. (status, pending) I really don't know who I can turn to for advice with out getting told that I like Vesper. Though Tony did help a little bit. Not that I really took it all in.

I guess I could just talk to him. This is crazy. He's consumed all my thoughts. I can't stop thinking about him. I look for something to do around here and it reminds me of him. I hear his name all the time and I just imagine it. See what I mean by consumed my thoughts? He's everywhere and I don't know how to rid myself of him. But I really don't want to let him go. He may think that I won't care when he leaves but that is a huge lie... I will be curled up on the couch, a can of chocolate frosting and watching 27 Dresses. I am really going to miss him, that bothers me. But it feels... normal? I guess to miss someone I just met. But we just connected so well that I don't ever want it to end and I know that it's extremely possible that eventually one of us won't remember the other.

And to top this all off? Carson is leaving to tour with Jimmy, Maxy and their band. Completely alone in New York. Nice. Thanks for that guys, you're the greatest friends someone could ask for. Not.

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