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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 22, 2010 17:24:38 GMT -6
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 22, 2010 17:26:26 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] I will fight, I will fight till forever, make it right. Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground, [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] JULY 1, 2003. I can’t believe it. Out of all the things my Nonna could give me for my birthday… A stupid diary. I’m going to call you a jernol jernal journal though, you’ll be the Man Journal, yeah! MJ! Anyway, I think this is stupid, but my Mom and Nonna are watching me to make sure I use you. So I’m writing so it looks like I am. Really I’m just wasting time and paper. Maybe I’ll just use you as a song book or something. Or maybe I can just hide you away in my closet and never pull you out again! I think I like that idea. I’m thirteen for crying out loud! I don’t need a stupid diary. I’m a loser as it is… Like that would get fixed if everyone at school realized that I had a diary. I can just imagine what they would all say. Yeah. Never going to actually use you. Why don’t I just tell my Nonna I don’t want you? WOULD YOU TELL OFF YOUR GRANDMOTHER?! NO! I don’t want to break her little heart by throwing a present back at her. Then again, compared to my other presents your you’re the best. My parents got me some stupid suit and tie outfit for my Auntie Sienna’s wedding. So lame! So much for getting that Les Paul I wanted. I’ll just ask again at Christmas and beg all the way until it comes.
I can’t believe it. I closed you and apparently I didn’t put enough thought into my entry so Nonna’s making me right write again. How stupid is this? Really stupid, that’s how stupid. She means well. I think. She says that I need to keep track of my life and feelings, that way I can look back and remember. That and I’ll be able to write a biography (did I spell that right?) when I’m famous. I had top ask my mom what a biography was. Apparently it’s like a book of someone’s life and rockstars make them for money after they’re not famous anymore. Sounds stupid to me. But what do I know, I’m just a kid right? Whatever. I convinced her that I put effort into you. So I can go have cake. Win!
Okay. So it’s technically the same day, just really late at night. Mom took me to the hospital after we sat down for cake because I got sick to my stomach and really faint. Well… Looks like I’ll be staying here for the night, and all I have it you and my guitar. Even if I’m supposed to be resting… The doctor says I have Diabetes (I had to look at the little book the doctor gave me to read to spell that). I don’t really understand it yet, but it sort of means that my body doesn’t work. I eat the sugar in food but my body sort of doesn’t use it… Or something. I don’t get it. Dad’s family has it a lot, that’s what he said. They told me my blood sugar was too high, so that’s why I’m staying here. I’m going to have to give myself needles! I hate needles! I don’t like this… But the nurse it getting mad at me.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] Cuz there's just no turnin’ back when your heart's under attack, gonna give everything I have, it's my destiny, [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 22, 2010 17:40:50 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] I will fight, I will fight till forever, make it right. Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground, [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] JULY 22, 2010. I can’t believe I still have you… I honestly cannot believe it. Kind of amusing, reading that first entry, I wrote it so long ago… Well, only seven years, but that feels like a long time. I mean, I’m twenty now, and a lot has changed. My Nonna passed away last year, I guess that’s why I decided to bring you along and write in you, sort of out of respect for her, you know? So what to write? I live in L.A. now, rather then New York. Dad wanted to move back there, and with my goals it only made sense, right? So away we moved. I got signed, but we’re still in the beginnings of my whole deal, and it was only a few months ago that I got signed. We’re just sort of waiting to see if I get any fan base at all. Apparently I’ll be making a music video some time this month that’ll be getting aired. I’m actually really excited about that, I mean I said the same thing months ago when I was getting demos together and stuff. But the thought of having a music video is awesome, I watch them all the time. To be able to see myself up there? It’d be pretty damn epic if I say so myself.
So looking back I barely actually remember getting this book, I’d totally forgotten about it until I found it packing for my New York visit. I wanted to come back, get a break and my parents didn’t want to come, so it’s just me and my dogs. Anyway, back on track. I remember that night vividly, I was friggin terrified, my birthday presents were the last thing on my mind. I’m glad to say it’s not as bad as I originally thought, I mean, I’d thought if I didn’t get my insulin immediately when I needed it that I would die or something. After the first year, and talking to my uncle about it, it wasn’t as scary as I’d thought. I’m pretty much your average guy, despite it. Well. Sort of. I’m a bit of a lone wolf, maybe that’s one reason I’m writing in you. Not social, and I really don’t have a lot of friends. But I’m alright with that. I mean, friends seem great, but with the moving, and work I have to do to get to the big time… maybe having friends that I would have to try and keep up with is better. It least I think so.
It’s kind of nice being in new York again, but in another aspect I miss L.A. I’ve only been there just over two years, but it feels more like home then New York already. It’s weird… I guess that’s probably because here I had no friends, got pushed into a locker daily and hated almost every moment I had to leave the house. In L.A. I do have some friends, not overly close ones, but they are people I hang around. I have my band, and am just starting to socialize with the big hits down there. I feel accepted and shit. Ugh. I’m getting way too emotional and shit in here… I’m going to rent a movie.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] Cuz there's just no turnin’ back when your heart's under attack, gonna give everything I have, it's my destiny, [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 25, 2010 18:25:12 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] I'm going crazy and I've been awake for days, my mirrors are stained with pain and portraits of your face, [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] JULY 25, 2010. Boredom is a bitch… So I figured why not find something to write? Got together half a song before my neighbour pounded on the floor with her broom until I shut up. I can tell it’s going to be fun trying to keep up my musical talent with a bitch like her below me. Normally I’d just have gone outside but it’s pouring out there, and I don’t want to ruin my acoustic or my songbook… So I turned to other means of entertainment. AKA you. Because T.V. sucks and I don’t have any of my DVDs or my PS3… So I’m writing in a goddamned journal. I feel like such a douche. Whatever, right? Not like anyone else if going to read this. So I figure if I ever do need to write a biography I’ll need the details from when I was a kid, back when my Nonna gave me you. So let’s start with my story? The next entries will be more about my present life, but let’s just get a catch up entry in here for future reference and shit. So. Let’s get this over with… Shall we?
Victor Jace Monroe III. Also known as me, but I go by Vesper. Reason? I like it better. Plus it’s better to have a new name, just makes back when I was Victor less upfront... I was born in Napes, Italy. Yeah, cool right? Except for the fact that I moved to New York when I was still in diapers, I don’t remember my few months in Italy at all. So basically, I usually just say I was born in New York. That’s my start, let’s move onto where I got my genes from. Marietta Vienna and Charlie Monroe. Mom and dad weren’t married until after I was born and the two of them chose New York (Dad’s home) over Naples.
Anyway, school. Never liked it, at all. I was your outcast through a good chunk of school, all the way through. I was the dork in high school that nobody talked to, that people pushed into garages, locked in lockers and shit. I wish I was joking you, but I’m totally not. That legit happened. I could have stopped it I guess, but I never felt like I should. I mean, if I had stood up to one guy, I’d have to deal with his friends too, and in the end I’d be back where I started. In the dumpster behind the school. Let’s say I loved family trips to Italy to visit my grandparents.
So yeah. It’s safe to say that high school isn’t a real fond memory for me. I didn’t have any friends for a few reasons. One being that if anyone hung around me their social level would drop to mine, and nobody wanted that… So nobody approached me. Then there was the fact that I wasn’t about to try and get friends. It was a waste of time to me, I knew nobody cared. Besides, high school’s over, so I just let it end and moved into a new life after. Well actually for my final year. I sent out a demo in junior year, and got a nibble on it. So my Mom moved us to L.A. so I’d be closer to the action and fame. Besides, Dad used to be a part of a band that was huge in the 80’s, so he was trying to use that to get me noticed. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that he did get a bit better when I started high school. Better meaning the abuse he did to my Mom, because I told. It wasn’t pretty, but he stopped for the most part.
Back to L.A. So I went to a new school for senior year, a private school where I actually did make a few friends, and got a girlfriend. Things were looking my way. I graduated with… Alright marks, far from top of the class, a good job (and savings) and a brand new name, Vesper. Old Victor was left behind. Then things went a little sour for a bit. Remember my girlfriend? Let me tell you about Jessica Martin. She seemed perfect, you know? She was the first one to jump on me while I was at school, show me around L.A. and all that jazz. My first friend in California.One thing led to another and next thing I know, she wants more then friendship. I should have seen the early warning, but it just came back and bit me. Yeah, turns out the pretty little cellist was lying when she said she was on the pill. I got ready for my mother to strangle me, her mother to kill me and her father to burn my body. However before we had to worry about it, Jess had a miscarriage. And blamed me! How was it supposed to be my fault? So it’s safe to assume that that relationship ended pretty badly… And the friendship vanished. She acted like she was the only one of us that cared too… About losing the, uh. Baby. I don’t know, I guess people have to blame someone else, right? Even when nobody is to blame. Not to mention the entire group we hung out with turned their backs on me. I was still the newb of the group, but I had fun hanging around with them... I haven’t let myself get distracted by a girl or friends since. I already knew making friends was useless for me... Too much work, and I have too much to do. ANYWAY. Back to my story. After grad it was all about demos, tailing my Dad around to movie premieres and parties, or my mother to charity, and fancy-pants events. Then, six months ago I got another nibble which led to a meeting and live audition. Next thing I know the guy says he likes me, contacts my agent and gets me a record deal.
I’m working off RCA Records, the same guys that are the label for big hits like Zander Reed. I’m not big star yet; we’re just letting my album settle. It just came out last month, this moth was all about promoting it with pre-recorded shit. So basically I’m on a break. So I’m back in New York. Not sure what compelled me to come back, but I am. Guess that’s really about it for now… I really have a boring life. It’ll get cooler come this fall though, apparently I’ll be touring with another bad as an opening act. Excited? Yes I am.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] How could you leave me behind? I'm a mess and your words just give me time to give you a waste of time, [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 26, 2010 12:11:04 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] We can make it last forever, we'll need to realize it's just you and me together the stars are shining for you and me?, [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] JULY 26, 2010. Can I start with saying, I’m an idiot? Yeah? Okay. I’m an idiot. After all my pep talks about not bothering with people, that it’s not worth the effort I put into it, I’m doing it again. “It” meaning making friends, or trying to. I mean, I know Carson, and she’s cool. But she’s one of the few people that I don’t mind being friends with. Now I’ve gone and invited Sabina over. Sabina would be Carson’s like best friend or something. It’s stupid to be as paranoid as I am… Or I think I am. But I told myself I wasn’t going to bother with it all again. Friends are frustrating, and as much as I enjoyed having friends for the time I did in L.A. when they left it was… I can’t think of the word. It was kind of really depressing for a few days. No more hanging at the beach with a bunch of people, feeling like a member of society. I know, I sound like such a whiner, but who cares… Nobody is going to read you anyway.
It’s Jessica’s fault I don’t have friends anymore. I know I brushed over her in my last entry, but it really is. I met her in Chemistry in senior year, like the first day I was there. She turned to me (and I am not kidding) asked “What happens if you drink bleach?”. Yeah. For a moment I kind of just stared at her. Obviously she was the blonde that wasn’t the brightest light on the tree… But hey, we were in L.A. right? So I told her “You’d die.” Then she asked me (again, not joking) “What if you drink milk, THEN drink the bleach.” And I was near bursting out into laughter. Is anybody that stupid? Yes. Jessica Martin. So of course, "You'd still die." was my response. She thought it was hilarious. At the time I thought it was adorable. Now I look back and go “WTF was she thinking? WHY would you drink bleach?!” In any case, that’s who I started hanging around with, her and her group of friends. They weren’t my first choice of personalities, but I wasn’t about to be picky, I liked being liked. But then after we graduated, Jessica went and decided that dating was a fantastic idea. It wasn’t, just by the way, despite the almost year we dated. Real life is not like a movie, when friends date it doesn’t always end up all cute. Especially not when you knock her up and get blamed for her miscarriage (Happened on July 11, 2009). I’m not joking, had I bumped her or something… okay. But I wasn’t even in town! She said it was an emotion stresser that I went to Italy instead of staying with her. I’m sorry Jess, my grandmother died and I went to her funeral, my apologies. Then of course all her friends agreed with her and next thing I know, I’m senior years most hated guy. Bunch of idiots. There is no way I can tell you how happy I am that high school is over. But guess what! Before I left to come here I actually bumped into Jessica, and she seemed real keen on my new L.A. Boy look. Too bad my manager’s body guard took his steps to keep her at a distance. Can’t wait until I’m top of the billboards, then who’ll regret being such a bitch? Wow. I’m bitching like a teenaged girl… I have to go rent some movies at some point… Despite my laziness…
Rent them? Why? Because I left them at home with my PS3 and coffee machine. I have all my PS3 games… Just not the system. And I have my DVD player… Just not my DVDs or my BluRays. I’m just a tool like that, right? Whatever, Ves out.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] Where dreams are made of, where dreams are made of. L.A, L.A baby, she's a LA, LA baby. you're my LA, LA baby, [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Jul 28, 2010 1:04:04 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] You could've been all I wanted but you weren't honest, now get in the ground You choked off the surest of favours [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] JULY 28, 2010. So. It kind of just occurred to me today that if everything had worked out last year, my kid would’ve been turning one in a few months. Me and Sabina were discussing kids and it kind of just hit me. She says she doesn’t want kids, but you know… I was so close to having one right now. It’s a weird thought, and one that kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, not the having a kid part, I never had anything against kids, kind of looked forward to having them, you know. Until I was actually faced with a baby bump. It was terrifying… And I’m not going to lie, that stressed the relationship out, I couldn’t even try to be affectionate around the bump. It scared me. I avoided her like the plague. Then when I got the call, her in hysterics on the phone… It was like a brick hit me in the stomach. My mom said it was a good thing she miscarried, that I still had my life on track because of it. But I never thought that something I never even saw, or met could hurt me so much. It was as if I had held the baby, named it, taught it to talk before it was ripped away. Whether it was born or not, it died. Just over a year ago. The eleventh.
I don’t know if it should bother me. I mean, she was about five months in, maybe closer to six. She was excited, especially since the doctor said something about the high risk part being over. Ha. Too bad something went wrong. Apparently they were a common thing in her family, her parents were that couple that tried, and tried, and tried and kept losing them. I can’t even imagine. It hurt enough losing one, one I didn’t even want. Guess I feel some irrational guilt on that front, that I never wanted it, or gave it any attention until after it died. Of course, all the shit afterwards with my friends didn’t help, nor did the fact my Nonna had just passed away, or that my mother was happy that jess miscarried. Yeah. It was a stressful couple weeks after that… I usually don’t think about it, one of those things you mentally bury. But talking about kids today just made it come to the front of my mind.
Technically she had a stillborn, because she was so far along. It’s easier to say miscarriage I think… We had a death certificate for it. Technically him. Again it’s easier to say it. We had to name him, and cremated him. Well… She did. She pretty much cut me out of her life, I got to choose the middle name and that was it. Victor, for my grandfather. Ashton Victor Martin. I never actually told my family the specifics… Or anyone. I guess my old friends would know if Jessica told them. As for everyone I know? If they don’t know about the stillborn thing, I don’t tell them.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] Hang on to the glory at my right hand, here laid to rest is our love ever longed With truth on the shores, [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Aug 1, 2010 12:23:32 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] 'Cause you know I'm not alive and leave me with your complications. Take your life, you feel like taking mine [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] AUGUST 01, 2010. Summer is officially half over. Where the hell did it go? I don’t know. It’s been a while since my last update, but I have a really good couple reasons for it. A) My life is really boring and for the most part I had nothing to write about. And B) My aunt, uncle and some cousins came to visit from Italy yesterday. So I had to clean my house and shit… So that would probably make people wonder why I’m writing in you now… While, I’m sitting in Central Park, enjoying the sun. I grabbed one of my acoustics and what I thought was my song book. Wrong. I grabbed you, my dumb journal. So I figure I might as well just write something in you, I’m not going to walk all the way home just to get my song book, worst comes to worst the next page with have lyric ideas, or I’ll just jot them down mid-journal entry. So, onto my latest going ons? The life and times of Vesper Monroe continue.
Let’s start with issue number one. Sabina. I mentioned her in the past, but never really told you who she was. She’s one of Carson’s friends, and one of the few people in the world I can say I had an instant chemistry with. She and I really clicked, at least to me. I can’t remember ever having someone before that I just felt comfortable around. Maybe I latched onto that too fast though. See when I first talked to her she made it very clear that she was on a friends-are-bad-vibe. That they were a commitment of sorts and she wasn’t into that. The other night I brought that up… We’d been hanging out a lot, and I kind of asked her why she was doing that with me, if she wasn’t into friends. I think I mistook something she said and got all offended and we argued and kind of went at each other. Now I feel like a complete jerk… But I wonder if I really was overreacting. She said that I wasn’t a commitment because I was leaving. Okay. I know that maybe she didn’t mean that, but she still said it. That made me feel like a borrowed toy. Something she was okay with giving back when I left. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I pissed her off by assuming I knew what she meant and whatever. Yeah. Fantastic, go me. But I can’t help but wonder if I was right, I mean, if she doesn’t want friends, why would me leaving be a big deal? Was I overreacting? I honestly don’t know, I don’t want to just be some guy she knew once. That’s stupid to me. But I don’t know exactly what she wants, it was like she put up a wall at first, one that said ‘I don’t want to be your friend, but I’ll talk to you’ and ended letting me get through that wall anyway. What do I know…
I’m not sure why it bothers me so much… Having people drop me mid-friendship isn’t exactly a new thing. I got over it, I dealt with it and moved on pretty quick. But there’s something different about Sabina, like Carson. They both like me for who I am, they like my stupid puns, my dorky nature and lack of being an uber hottie. Or whatever… My last friends didn’t really know that side of me, they knew the L.A. Boy image I was putting up, acting a different way. So yeah, it does bother me that I found someone who outright told me she liked that dork in me, only to have her make it sound as though I meant nothing to her. I just met her, so I’m not sure why it’s bugging me so much. I haven’t spoken to her since the argument. What am I supposed to say ‘Sorry for getting so attached to you’? I don’t care what people say… I think I am friend desperate. So maybe I should talk to her, apologize and just step back. Not let myself get so attached to her, that way when I do leave it won’t be difficult. For either of us. Who am I kidding… I’m already attached.. .So maybe stepping back will just assure that I’m not a commitment. Anyway… It’s raining… I’d be best to get in some shelter before it ruins my guitar.
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] Hang Nowhere to go I'm not leaving. I'm not going. I'm not kissing you goodbye. On my own, I'm nothing, just bleeding [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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Post by vesper jace monroe on Aug 4, 2010 15:05:21 GMT -6
[shadow=black,left,300]Man Journal,[/shadow] Cold nights fade into memory, looking at the morning light and we will be together, leaving our cares behind [/sub][/center][/font] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] AUGUST 04, 2010. Been a few days… Ready for an update MJ? And again with the talking to an inanimate object… Hitting new lows everyday, aren’t I? Well. I’ll jump right into it then, get what’s bothering me off my chest, or whatever. So Carson forced me to watch Harry Potter with her, and to save myself I brought booze. It was great, lots of fun. Then Sabina showed up. Not to make it sound like she crashed the party or anything, but it made things a little more complicated. I don’t remember a lot of what happened that night, just a few things here and there. One of which being that I let it slip that Carson and I dated. Sabina seemed a little ticked we didn’t tell her… That was how long ago? I technically don’t even count her as a girlfriend half the time, because that whole lovey dovey thing wasn’t there. It was like we were friends. Like nothing had changed. So really, I don’t count her as a girlfriend for the most part, just one of the few friends I had. It’s confusing.
Anyway, so Carson went to be and next thing I know Sabina kissed me. She’s pretty and all, and awesome. I love hanging around her, and I’ve considered once or twice before that maybe I could try and move a little farther with her. But that’s all I ever do. Think. Consider. She kissed me then said she did it because she didn’t want me to remember. I was drunk so of course I was totally into it that night. Next morning though it hit me like a rock. She’s my friend, do I really want to risk another Jessica repeat? Mess it up and lose her, let her slip through my fingers… So I lied and said I didn’t remember it. Not that she asked, but when we were talking about what I remembered, I left that out. After a day though I felt guilty, she had the right to know that I remembered, right? So we could talk about it and figure it out… Whatever it is. Then of course, Carson brought up that she saw us kissing. So of course, being the well mannered, level headed guy I am… Fucked everything up. Yeah. I’d bet the Audi R8 I’m getting this week on the fact that it’s going to be nice and awkward around Sabina from here on out. Way to go Vesper, pat on the back and all that.
Then there’s the fact that even if we do discuss it… I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to repeat my last screw up with Sabina. Then there’s her baggage. Rehab? Rape? That’s just a little crazy for me to deal with. Not to mention just thinking about those two topics make me want to break something. Go Hulk on my table or guitar. Not to mention the fact that I’m 90% Carson’s fiancé hates me… And I’m not so sure why. Which I’m hoping won’t screw up my friendship with Carson. But what can you expect when he called Sabina a bitch? I see that guy and I may very well take a swing at him. I’ll probably get my ass kicked. Actually, you know what? I don’t think I will. I’ve gotten more then enough hits to be able to take them, and I may not be huge, but I’m bigger then that toothpick… But of course, I start a fight with him and I might as well just paste a sign on my forehead that says ‘Hate me Carson’. I take back wanting to stay here… I can’t wait to go back to L.A…
[/size] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [/size] And everything grows a little faster and every moment stretches longer and it will only get much stronger [/sub][/center][/font] [shadow=black,left,300] -Vesper[/shadow]
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